Akogare
by Shizukana-honoo
Summary: They both knew the time would come when they would have to separate. But Tsuna is struggling to let go. Even after three years, he still clings to the past. What will make him move on? TYL!2759, shounen-ai, un-detailed smut


Please read my profile about the Vongola Decimo house, in order to keep back any possible confusions! Just the part about Gokudera, mostly, so you aren't scratching your head all throughout this, aha~  
>Thank you!<p>

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><p>Sitting at my desk, I stared dismally at all the stacks of papers everywhere. My neck was sore, my wrists ached, and my fingers were covered in ink…but worst of all was my throbbing head. I had been in this stuffy room since early morning, and already it was late afternoon. Cleaning my hands on my handkerchief, I rubbed my temples and turned my chair so I was away from the desk. It was almost amusing to think about how much I trained to fight for this position…but wasn't trained in way of paperwork. Or it would be amusing if I wasn't struggling with it all so much. I didn't even know what half the stuff was for! Made even harder was the fact that my mind refused to stay in one place for very long. It kept drifting off to the past, to what I needed to do in the future, to my feelings now…<p>

"Come on, Tsuna, you're taking another break?"

Groaning, I tried to shrink in my seat, hoping the man would assume I wasn't even here. But of course that didn't work and the chair was swiveled back around so I was facing the Italian. Dropping my hands, I looked up exasperatedly at him. "My head hurts…" I whined, slumping more in my seat. Which of course earned me another smack to further the pain in my skull.

"Don't use that tone of voice, Dame-Tsuna. Headache or not, you have work that needs to be done," he scolded me. "You're not a little kid anymore, so stop acting like one."

"But I don't even know what this is trying to say. What is it for? Permission for something? A contract? Peace treaty? Asking for assistance?" Sitting back up, I looked through the papers that were scattered in front of me, the words swimming in front of my eyes, scrambled and unreadable.

With a heavy sigh, the man sat on the edge of my desk and picked up a couple. "It's none of that," he said, then delving into an explanation of what I was supposed to be doing with all these documents. But if I couldn't read them on my own, of course having them read to me in one of the most bored voices I've ever heard (sans Lambo's now adult voice) didn't help in the slightest. Luckily it didn't take long for the man to notice.

"Alright, I should have asked first. What's on your mind so much that you can't focus?" he asked, setting down the paper with a snap, causing me to jump slightly.

But my face fell and my eyes averted from him. "…It's his birthday," I murmured finally, after almost a minute's silence.

This time, it was his turn to become quiet and somber. "Still haven't let him go, have you?"

However, this question struck a nerve with me. Let him go? How could I? Snapping my head back, glaring daggers at the Italian, I straightened up, almost to the point of standing. "Of course I haven't! You can't just throw away years of such feelings like they're nothing!" I yelled, slamming my hands on the arms of my chair. "I should ask the same thing to you! Have you really let go of Lu—"

"Do not bring her up into this. What happened with that has nothing to do with you," he said, cutting me off.

Looking up at him, my glare stayed strong, though I did feel bad about bringing that up again. It was very rare for him to break down, and after witnessing his state after such a loss… But as he said, that didn't really have anything to do with the current situation. At least not that part. "I still stand with it, though. You haven't let go, so why should I?"

"Because he already ha—"

Clamping my hands over my ears, I hummed loudly to drown out the man's words. It was childish, but I couldn't bear to hear those words. I refused to accept it, to believe it, to even entertain the notion for a split second.

"Tsuna!"

My hands grabbed and pulled away from my head, I turned my face away, not wanting my old tutor to see how my eyes were beginning to sting with tears.

"I said stop acting like a child, this is ridiculous," he growled, clearly annoyed and fed up with my behavior. "Look, if you can't manage to let go and find a wife, then—"

"Then I can't produce an heir and the Vongola will die with me, I know!" I snapped back, my tone even sharper when coupled with choked back sobs. "But today is his birthday, and I miss him really badly, so can't you just leave me alone about it all just for a few days?" Bringing my face back to him, my cheeks were already streaked with tears. With another sigh, he roughly let me go and stepped back, picking up his hat from the desk.

"Fine," he hissed, heading towards the door. "Wash your face and go eat; just remember there will be more work to be done when your break is over."

Not responding, I simply sat there, face in hands as I listened to the door click shut. Today was his birthday…I acted like the reason I was so upset was because I couldn't give him anything for it. But really…it was that tomorrow marked the third anniversary of when he was taken away from me…

* * *

><p>That night, as I lay in my overly large bed in my even more extravagant bedroom, I stared up at the ceiling, or more rather, the canopy that hung over the bed. Just like every single night for the past three years. But in all honesty, I didn't even know what kind of pattern was on the cloth. I may have noticed at some point, but I've long forgotten. Now, when I look up there, all I see is his face, just like tonight. My eyes closing, I let out a needy moan, my breath heavy and broken. Beside me lay a bottle of lotion, and I had the curtains pulled around my bed and the door locked. Just like every night…<p>

The only thing difference this time, however, was that this was perhaps my third time for just this evening, and still I was unsatisfied. Even with both hands working feverishly, even with the equipment I had snuck in behind everyone's backs. But of course I knew none of those would give me what I wanted. I wanted someone to kiss me, to hold me. Someone I could cuddle with afterwards, someone to moan my name, someone I could meet eyes with and say 'I love you' when we were finished. But the only person I could get that from…

Shaking my head, I held the back of my hand against my mouth, not allowing myself to cry further. No…maybe I was wrong? Maybe all I was looking for was just another body. It didn't matter who it was, right? I could get everything from another body, and that was better than what I had now, right? Besides…Reborn was right, I needed to move on. I would have to eventually. I would someday run out of time and wished I had found a wife at this age. Though tonight might not be such a good night…but what time was it? Ah, past midnight… So everyone was asleep besides those on guard duty. And I was boss, so no one would deny my demands…

Making up my mind finally, I cleaned up, not bothering with the sheets. They would just get dirty again, after all. Finished, I then grabbed my phone and called up the nearby bordello, before informing the guards to let my visitor in without question. Of course, this wasn't the first time I've done this, so they already knew the drill.

A quarter of an hour later, there was a knock on my door, signaling the arrival of tonight's company. I knew it was too late to go back now. But most likely it was going to just turn out like the rest of them… Opening the door, I allowed the man in, and right away I could tell he was not happy. He must have heard stories about me, ones bordering on the horror spectrum. Either that, or just preconceptions of his own. After all, I was the boss of the strongest mafia syndicate. He was most likely fearing that if he messed up or wasn't good enough for me, that I would call for his head or something absurd like that. Tonight I wasn't in the mood to try and calm him down first, however. I just wanted what I called him for and nothing more. So grabbing his arm, I pulled him into a kiss, trying despite the lack of sparks to get something out of it.

Pushing him back onto the bed, I continued to kiss him, as my fingers worked open his shirt, trailing down to his pants. Yet still I received nothing from him. I tried to be more seductive, licking his throat, nipping his ear, massaging him through his clothes…but even as his body reacted accordingly, he still gave the air of fear and general dislike. Just like every time.

Eventually giving up, both to get him to relax and for myself to become interested in this boy, I sat up and sighed, taking out my wallet from the bedside table. "Here…for your time," I murmured, handing him a wad of the money. "You don't want it, right? You aren't happy with your job in general, are you? So, here. You have many years ahead of you, so use this money to get a better job, to start your life over. You still have a chance to make something of yourself," I smiled softly, offering the money once more.

He stared at me for almost a full minute before shakily taking the payment and hurrying out of the room. Sighing once more, I fell back onto the bed and closed my eyes, brow knitted in annoyance. I could already hear Reborn's scolding me, 'You gave away _how much_? _Again_?' not that I cared. Wasn't it good that I was helping people get away from such an occupation? Even though I knew they were most likely using the money on drugs. But I'd like to think I was helping. It was better than thinking about the name I was giving myself if those men told their stories to their friends. I bet the word on the streets was now something along the lines of 'I heard the Vongola Decimo is a complete slut, throwing vast amount of funds on prostitutes every week!' Or if not saying it out loud, most certainly they had to be thinking about it, right?

But I was almost to the point of not even caring now. I haven't had proper sex in three years. I haven't felt the warmth of someone in my arms for three years. I haven't even had a simple spark-filled kiss for three years. I was lonely, miserable…but of course I couldn't let it show. I knew it wasn't the most important thing in the world, that there were other matters with much higher priority. So the only time I could wallow in self-pity was at night when I was alone. But I was getting tired of it. I felt like I was going to go insane if I could see him at least one more time.

Curling up on my side, I closed my eyes as I tried to just go to bed for now, and maybe I'll get the next best thing and dream of him. A dream of…

"…_Gokudera_…"

* * *

><p>A few weeks later or maybe it only a few days, I sat in my office, twirling around in my chair, almost ready to burst with the boredom, even though on my desk was the never ending pile of papers. I vaguely remembered something about a meeting today, but what it was about I failed to actually memorize that. Something about another familia wanting to make a sort of contract with the Vongola or some such. I was quite grateful for Reborn's understanding on my current condition now. He had agreed to do all information gathering on the meeting and make all the preparations for it, meaning all I had to do was give my insignia, shake hands with the boss and be done. Though he seemed almost…too understanding about it. I could have sworn I heard him trying to convince someone to make my role in the agreement even smaller, so that I wouldn't even have to show my face to the meeting. I appreciated it, sure…but it was a little too much, especially for Reborn.<p>

Considering confronting him about it, I wasn't given a chance as at that moment, I was called to go get ready for the meeting. Once I was appropriately suited up; with a fresh suit, cloak, my gloves in a pocket; we headed to the place the meeting was to be held. But as we got there and took our places, we found that the boss for the other familia was running late. My interest in the whole ordeal was fading even more now, and I had to be kept awake by sharp stabs in the side by Reborn. Luckily the other familia was too worried about their boss to notice that I lacked any worry of my own.

However, after several minutes later, the doors reopened, and I could have sworn my heart stopped. Our eyes met and held for what felt like forever, but also felt far too short as he quickly looked away and took his place across from me, waving off the concern from the others around him. Clearing his throat, he smiled to me, but his eyes were avoiding mine, and I noticed his one hand was constantly out of my sight. I started to fear for the worst, but at the same time, I didn't think about that—far too absorbed in feasting my eyes on his new appearance. How much more mature he looked! How much more handsome! His eyes held even more knowledge and experience, the way he held himself simply screamed 'Here's man who knows how to handle himself!' I was…unmistakably head over heels with him…more than ever before.

For the whole meeting it was like that, more or less. Reborn spoke for me, poking me when I needed to respond. I did nothing more than sit there and stare, soaking him in, reveling in the sound of his sultry voice, as the desire for him grew and manifested in me. Any progress I had made over the years of letting him go were now wasted and gone. I wanted nothing more than to hold him, but I couldn't even bring myself to speak. I felt…almost unworthy to be in his presence the more I thought about it. All these years I had been nothing more than a lovestruck fool, lost in lust in desire for something I could never obtain. While he was holding himself so proudly, his followers and guardians looking to him with such respect and adoration… I wondered if maybe this contract was for us to him, instead of vice-versa. It wouldn't be surprising, seeing how much of a screw up I was.

The meeting eventually ended by the flourish of my pen and we all stood to shake hands. Holding my breath, I could feel myself tremble from the struggle of holding myself in place as our skin touched. His hand was so warm and comforting. And even after all this time, my hand was still quite a bit smaller than his. Meeting eyes with him once more, I forced a smile to match his, yet no words could be formed in my throat. Not until they were all turning away to leave to return to their hotel.

"Why don't you stay at our headquarters?" I offered, or maybe 'blurted out' would be more appropriate.

Everyone turned around and stared at me, surprised at my spontaneous offer and how I had finally spoke after so long. But the one who was the most caught off-guard was him, but he was also the first to recover. Smiling, he nodded, "It would be our pleasure, Vongola Decimo. Thank you for your hospitality," he bowed, and once a few more words were exchanged of further plans, they left.

"…You better not be planning to do anything with him tonight, Tsuna," Reborn grumbled to me as we packed up our things. But as I didn't reply, he sighed, shaking his head, knowing there was no way to convince me otherwise. You would have to be blind or incredibly dense to not see the way I was looking at him, after all. "Just be careful, then. Don't get yourself hurt…" was all he advised, and all I could do was nod.

* * *

><p>Dinner had gone more or less the same way as the meeting did, but this time I was able to control myself a little better and finally was able to participate in the conversations. But I still found myself stopping and staring at him at random intervals, mesmerized by how skillfully his fingers worked the utensils, how his jaw and lips moved as he ate, how he never seemed to make a mess in the slightest. He barely even needed to use his napkin. I was almost scared to eat, for fear that I wouldn't be as good as him. As such, my plate was hardly touched when everyone finished. But even if I wasn't intimidated by his perfection, I didn't have much of an appetite anyways. My mind was now being plagued with scenarios of what we would do tonight, causing my chest and stomach to twist in excitement and anxiety. So much, so that when I approached him after dinner, I felt almost faint.<p>

"Ah, Gokudera. It has been far too long since we last spoke… So I was wondering if you wouldn't mind stopping in my room sometime tonight so we can catch up on things," I asked, my words slipping out of my mouth as if my brain was shut off. And to my absolute delight…he agreed.

* * *

><p>Sitting in my room, I nervously played with my hands, glancing to the clock every now and again. It had been an hour! He was sure to come in any second, right? Any second now… Almost jumping out of my skin at hearing a knock on the door, I hurried up and opened it, working as hard as I could to keep my breathing regulated. "G-Gokudera… Ah! Sit down, anywhere is good," I said, waving him into the room, locking the door behind him with trembling hands. Three years…three years it had been… I would have to be careful to not be too desperate and needy.<p>

Of course, that was short-lived. We spoke for maybe twenty minutes tops before I found myself advancing on him, unable to stop myself at this point. Pressing our lips together, I was moaning already as the sparks and fireworks flashed through my brain. How much I missed that… Pushing him into the bed, my kisses grew, my hands already at work to disrobe him. His lips were so soft, his mouth tasted so good, it all felt so good, it all felt so perfect. So lost in my lust, I failed to notice his reaction to it all, however. Until he shoved me off.

"D-Decimo," he panted, his face pale and…horrified? Confused? "Decimo, wh-what—"

"Isn't it obvious?" I cut him off, still leaned over him. "I'm sti—" My gaze catching his left hand, I stopped, eyes widening slightly. No…it couldn't be… It was my turn to look horrified and confused, as I looked down at him. "Y-you're…married?" I whispered, barely able to believe it.

"…You didn't know?"

I shook my head, as I slowly crawled off of him, the shock too great for me to continue what I had been doing. Married…he had been married. And no one told me? Why not? "H-how long have you been…"

"Two years, about," he replied, a little hesitant. And with good reason. My despair quickly turning to anger, I turned to him, looking ready to explode at him.

But meeting those eyes, which now held full regret, I couldn't bring myself to get mad at him. All I could do was struggle out a choked "Why?"

"…I-I didn't have a choice. It was arranged, it was…everyone was saying how good it would be for my familia if me and her united…I didn't want to, though, Decimo! I was still so in love with yo—"

"Was?"

His expression falling even more, he pressed a hand over his face, turning away. "I'm sorry… I-I thought you would have moved on by now…"

This I didn't know what to reply with. Did everyone really think I could fall out of love so easily? Just because my mind has always been filled with thoughts of pleasure, didn't mean there wasn't an emotional part of it, too! I didn't just want Gokudera for his body. I wanted him for his…everything. His style, his grace, his enthusiasm, his roughness, his talent, his smarts, his eyes, his smile…everything about him I was so deeply in love with. And every day I was reminded of this, yet everyone assumed I could just drop those thoughts and be done with him?

Shaking my head, I turned him to face me once more. "I haven't move on, Gokudera…not at all," I whispered, kissing him again. And this time, for a brief second, he returned it before pulling away again.

"I-I'm sorry…I can't…"

"…Do you really love her?" I asked, a more serious look on my face.

"It's not just her, though… I just can't bear the thought of my…daughter someday finding out that her father cheated on his wife," he whispered, eyes averted once more. "I'm sorry…Decimo… I'm truly, truly sorry…"

Sitting back, I released his collar, my body numb now. I couldn't even hear his apologies anymore. So not only was he married…but he had a child. Which meant my chances were officially, one-hundred percent shot. All those things I wanted…I was never going to receive. Not for a long time, at least. But for certain, it would never be from him.

"I'm sorry, Decimo," he said again, pulling me into a hug. But I was too shocked to really enjoy it much at all. Barely bringing my eyes up to meet his, I found his were just as watery as mine. "I really do love you, Decimo…but we knew from the start that…"

"…someday we would have to let go," I finished, leaning my head against his chest as he tightened his grip around me. "I know… I know." Sniffling, I clung more to him for a few seconds before releasing him completely. Taking a deep breath, I looked up at him, smiling softly, as I touched his cheek. "I guess I have no choice but to let go now, though…right? I should follow your example, and find myself a wife, too. Maybe our children would be friends? Maybe they would fall in love, too?" Giving a small laugh, it soon melted into more tears as I dropped my hand. "I'll miss you, though, Gokudera… I've missed you so much already… I don't know if I could do it…"

"You can, and I know you will. But remember…even if we aren't in love anymore, we'll still be together, right?" Resting his head against mine, I listened to his words as we rocked back and forth. "Really, that was the hidden reason as to why I decided to partner with the Vongola. So I could be with you again. I haven't forgotten that promise we made, you know… So no more tears, they don't suit Decimo at all."

Shrinking against Gokudera more, I sniffed harder, trying to stop the tears as he said to, but they just kept coming. As touched as I was by what he was saying, it was making it even worse almost. But his attempts didn't go completely unheeded, of course. Together forever…I remembered that promise. How could I forget? I was the one who said it first. How hypocritical of myself. But maybe that was just because he wasn't physically at my side? If he were to be by me, maybe that was what was important. So as long as we see each other, and can stand together…even if we can't kiss anymore, we can't hold each other like that anymore…we'd be okay. We'd be the exact same, we just couldn't have the…benefits of a romantic relationship.

Finally calm, I smiled properly now and sat up, wiping my eyes. "Alright…I'll do my best," I nodded. "Starting now…I'm going to do my best to let you go." And with that I leaned forward, pressing our mouths together for one last lingering kiss. "I hope you have a happy, love-filled life, Gokudera. It's as much as you deserve."

"Decimo…" Looking at me with those soft eyes, he smiled back, brushing hair from my face. "I wish the same for you, Tsunayoshi Sawada… Let's spend forever together…"

I simply smiled.

* * *

><p>The next morning, before the sun even rose, I was scrambling to get dressed.<p>

"Are you sure you want to go alone?" Behind me, Reborn leaned against the doorframe, watching me with intensely worried eyes.

"I have no choice, do I? They want only me."

"It sounds suspicious; I'd feel better if you wore a chip at least."

"You know I can't do that, they'll find it and get upset."

"That only makes this even more worrying!"

Sighing, I straightened my tie and looked over to Reborn. "…I know. But it's either consent or they start a war. There's no other choice. I'm sorry, Reborn…" Finished with my appearance I had him help me pull on my cloak before starting for the door. "Ah…though if you don't mind," stopping by the door, I glanced over to him again. "Do you think you could call Kyoko for me? I'd like to see her when I get back," I smiled softly, before sweeping out the door.

"Mm…she'd like to hear that," was the last thing I heard him murmured as the door clicked shut.

* * *

><p>A few hours later, as the darkness started closing in, I thought back to those last moments I had with each of them. Reborn, Gokudera… I had acted like I was ready to let go finally. That I was finally going to try and stop loving him after so long. That I was finally going to do what I was supposed to. A part of me wished I never had, though. Because the result was the same, right? That I failed to produce an heir. But I knew, if I didn't let go of him, it would just hurt him more when I pass, right? Now he could relax, and enjoy the company of his wife without any doubts in the back of his mind. Now he could raise his daughter to be a strong, beautiful young woman. Ah, but I wished I could have seen her. Just out of curiousity.<p>

But besides that one regret, I was surprised at how few there were. Besides the obvious 'I should have let him go sooner and continued my lineage', of course. And the fact that the others would have to deal with the resulting war from this. And the thought of everyone's reactions when I'm found. But despite all those, I felt at peace, even though I knew I shouldn't be. Maybe it was that I accepted my death at long last? Maybe it was that, subconsciously, I couldn't see myself living very happily without Gokudera as only mine, and that this fate was better than having to watch him be with someone else? Aha, no, that was foolish. Even if I couldn't watch him, my imagination was just as strong. And I had already accepted it and blessed them from the bottom of my heart, anyways.

Ah, but I wasn't making much sense anymore. The pain was coming back now, and the blackness was clouding my senses completely. But with the very last of my strength, I gave a soft smile, hoping that it would ease any pain for the others, as I let myself succumb to the deep voice in my head.

'**Welcome to the afterlife, Tsunayoshi Sawada**'


End file.
